In a Second

I wrote this July 2010, but since this day really wasn't about me, I never posted it, so I am now in the hope that having two items published this weekend will motivate me to come back here again soon.

Most changes in life seem to come about in slow motion, without any climactic moment. I look back over my life over the past few years and see how much I have changed and how much my surroundings have changed. But there are a few threshold moments when people cross from one state in to another and life will never be the same again and in those moments, life's drama can be overwhelming.

It started with my best friend's husband calling and saying that they were at the hospital and had been there all night and asked if I could let the dog out. He told me not to worry, they were just keeping my friend at the hospital to watch her. She had some early labor contractions (she isn't due for 5 weeks) and they just wanted to keep her under observation for a while longer. We checked on their shitzu and waited to hear more news. I sent a text, updating the status of the sweet little dog. The response, "Thanks my mom is going to get her" which meant that child birth had started and they were staying at the hospital. I called her mom immediately for an update, "Yup, this baby is coming today, Lins! I am so nervous, I can barely sit in my seat. I'm driving back from Idaho right now. I just hope I get there. I'll keep you posted."

I sat down like the wind had been knocked out of me. Vince looked over at me, "That's great!" he said.
"I know. I am just overwhelmed," I said.
"Why?"
"I'm not ready."
"What do you mean you aren't ready? This can't be a surprise. You clearly knew this was coming."

Of course I knew this was coming. I've been looking forward with anticipation to meeting this little boy. My friend has been waiting for this day and is incredibly well prepared- far in advance. The showers were thrown, the nursery ready, the pediatrician chosen, the birthing classes finished. Thank god my friend is someone who likes to meet her deadlines well in advance! And I have been an observer and occasional participant through all of it. Which is why I was baffled to find that I continued to find myself crying throughout the day.

"What's wrong?" Vince asked as I broke into tears over lunch.
"I'm just shocked. I mean, they should both be fine. It's early, but at her appointment this week they said she is one week from full term. So they should be ok. I am sure they will be ok."
"Then what's wrong?"

Everything. It was too soon. I know how prepared my friend likes to be. If I was in shock, she must be having an out of body experience at this point. I was sure of it. This was not how she wanted this to unfold. And for my part, I was nervous on her behalf, and on behalf of her little boy. That's what I was feeling and what I was'supposed' to be feeling. But what I wasn't supposed to feel, were the other emotions clamoring up and catching me off guard.

Why isn't it my turn?
We are no longer the same.
My best friend is a mom and I'm not. What if I never am? What if this is where our path divides and suddenly her life is absorbed into things I can't relate to- like potty training- and there isn't room left for us?
How will we spend time together?
Why couldn't I be first?
It's never going to be the same again.

I was horrified at myself. Here in the biggest moment of my friend's life I was worrying about me. And my place in her life and her place in mine. And the place of children in my own life. I am scared of having children and scared of not having them.

Part of what is funny about this wave of emotion is that my friend started talking about all of these fears, before she even tried to have a baby. "What if it changes everything? What if I lose my friends? What if I can't relate to people anymore? What if they can't relate to me?" We discussed this repeatedly and I always reassured her. "That will never happen. You are you and will continue to be you. You will make new 'mommy friends' and you will stay in touch with your old friends too." I never once doubted this would be true, but just in case we came up with plans to make sure that her present identity wouldn't be swallowed up by mommy-hood. We have a 'no-baby-talk' policy at book club, so that everyone at least once a month can relate to the same topic. We have a monthly get-together with the gang of girls where we are all on the same footing, mothers or not. I was amazed at her preparation, for anticipating all the fears that were only now hitting me and suddenly overwhelmingly real.

I kept running to the phone with every text, waiting for news. Finally, a text from the grandmother reporting time of arrival and size of the new little life. I cried again, with relief, happiness, and anxiety. And then the phone rang. It was Abbie.
"Oh my god, oh my god! How are you?" I asked, my voice breaking. "I'm sorry, I keep crying," I confessed.
"You and me both," she said.
"I'm not ready!" I said, "so, I can only imagine how you feel."
"You have no idea. There was one point during all of this where I turned to K and said, 'Is this not the most surreal day of your life?'"
Hearing her talk, knowing she was really ok, feeling the flood of relief hit me, I realized how afraid I had been that something would go wrong and that she wouldn't be ok. Hearing her be herself, with her down-to-earth sense of humor, that had me both laughing and crying, another wave of relief hit me. She was still herself. I was still myself. And while everything was different, my anxiety about losing my best friend quietly receded.