Ugly

I used to think that it was the lack of civility that made divorce ugly. I remember my parents fighting over the children, the furniture, the blame. We've all heard or lived horror stories containing lawyer fees, custody battles, drunken middle-of-the-night phone calls, broken windows, etc. Lesha just made me a mix cd with a great song about smashing up a cheating lover's car. She played it to me when I first arrived in Utah, and I wasn't to a point yet where I could laugh about any of the feelings in the storm of emotions that I was weathering. She had already moved on to the point where laughter was possible, and I am thrilled to find that I am there now too, blasting the music and singing along: "I dug my key into the side of his pretty little suped up 4-wheel drive, I carved my name into his leather seats. I took a Louisville slugger to both tail lights..." You get the idea.

My divorce has been remarkably civil. We lived in the same house until I left the country; we hung out with the same friends, and still do have contact with mutual friends. There haven't been court battles and we really don't own much of anything worth fighting over. The things that we might have fought over weren't worth the cost of shipping to the States. After my first hand experience with a civil divorce, I feel safe in saying that it isn't the lack of civility that makes divorces ugly.

In my case, I think the civility was ugly. I wish I would have shouted and yelled more while I had the chance. I wish I wouldn't have worried about being "good" and "doing the right thing". I wish that what I had done instead was take care of myself. I feel like I betrayed myself. Which is why I am glad that I am starting fresh with a new life, and new friends, and a new place. As I design my apartment I am thinking about how I am going to create a refuge and a place to take care of me.

One ugly thing about divorce is that there are parts of my personality, my spirit, my psyche that were merged into another person and have grown to compliment and compensate, or have become underdeveloped or fallen into disuse because they were compensated for by another person. I am creating an emotional hothouse of sorts, where I can tend to these places- fertilize my skills at navigating and friend making, trim back my sense of responsibility and my tendency to worry. I can't wait to create this refuge. I owe it to myself.