I love you

The Accounts Manager at my work called and left me a message. It was something about the phone company. Then she mentioned that she was going to be late to work, she was stopping to get coffee, and then she said, "OK. That's all. Love you. Oh, um, oops. I don't mean that. Although, I guess I do love you...in a way." She was still laughing when she came in to the office. I understood though. I have that kind of family too. We say "Love you" almost every time we hang up the phone. So much so, that I've made the same mistake before with a friend. "Ok, love you, bye."

I've never been in the camp of people who think that frequent use of "I love you" diminishes it's value. On the contrary, I like the constant reminder. I like the way that even an argument on the phone with my mother about something insignificant is concluded with an, "OK, love you." It puts things into perspective. "I may disagree with you. I may even think you are nuts, but you know, that doesn't mean I don't love you."

I am a people person. It's fair to say, I love people. A good chunk of them anyway. And since we always said I love you in my family, I tell my friends I love them. And telling them I love them means, "I think you are amazing. I love being around you. I always I mean to always treat you well." These past few months I have been dating a number of amazing people who I enjoy being around. In response, I find I love yous bubbling up and feel myself choking back these three little words.

I don't know what "I love you" means to people dating at my age. I am afraid that it doesn't mean "I love you. I think you are amazing. I enjoy spending time with you." I am afraid it means, "I choose you. I want to be only with you. I want to move this relationship ahead." So, I choke it back. It would be nice to have a relationship dictionary that could tell me what those words mean to other people.

I feel behind in some ways. I didn't date much before I married and I married young. In some ways, while I am 28 years old, I feel like I am 21. But I am dating people in their thirties, who feel like they are in their thirties. They aren't dating to have fun; they are dating to find a partner. Many of them are ready to settle down, and I worry about those who aren't. While part of me feels like I am flying through stages in my exploration of romantic love and relationships, another part of me feels hung up and held in. I would feel relaxed and more natural pouring out affection and liberally sprinkling I-love-yous, but I am afraid if I did that then someone would hear the "I love you" of a 28 year old, and not the "I love you" of a 21 year old. I want to hold my I love yous in, until they will be those of someone my age and they will be not only, "I love you. I love being around you. I think you are amazing." I want to wait until they also mean, "I choose you. I choose to open myself up to you. I want to build upon what we have started together."