The Sisterhood of the Traveling Armadillo

The theme for this year's Girls' Weekend hat contest was "Pimp My Tiara". I bought a pre-pimped Hello Kitty tiara. It looked pretty impressive in the store, but when it was my turn to stand up from my seat and show my tiara to the women gathered around banquet tables full of mismatched tea pots, saucers, tea cups, and cookies, I felt so outclassed I gazed shyly downward and clasped my hands in front of me.

"Don't worry," my step mom said, "we were all virgins at one point or another." My stepmother was positively regal in her pimped tiara made of foam and covered in costume jewelry. Battery operated lights flashed off and on, glinting off of her wig made of silver pompoms. Each hat was more ridiculous than the previous. When it is the Time of the Donning of the Hats each woman goes into a separate room and puts on her hat. Then we all gather together, laughing, pointing, and shooting pictures as each new person comes in.

The awards distributed were hard earned. My sister, who comes every year in the simplest hat won the award for "Victim of Circumstance: These are not my people; we share no blood." My sister-in-law was awarded "Best Insult to Organic Matter" for her costume, which included a fake gold tooth, glow in the dark sticks, and an enormous hat. Her award was a clock set into organic matter that appeared to once have been inside of a cow's stomach. I knew it was fake and still couldn't bring myself to touch it.

My step-mother puts weeks of time and energy into this annual "Girls' Weekend." She brings together her sister, nieces, daughters, and friends for the annual tea party and bonnet contest, followed by a sleepover and a weekend of yoga classes, hikes, jewelry making, massages, pedicures, and fantastic food. My dad hangs around in the background as the chef. This year, he woke us up with the smell of fresh baked chocolate and pecan scones, and a batch of sour cream orange muffins. The amount of work has paid off in that no one misses it. One woman drove from Louisiana, others came from all over the state of Utah, and one flew in from Portland. New mommies are able to hand off their babies and get a break without worrying. The conversation flows from breast feeding to co-ed soccer, to divorce horror stories, to love stories, to travel stories, to family legends- without pausing.

This year, I, along with two other women, attended for the first time. This made us "virgins" and so we were initiated into what has become known as The Sisterhood of the Traveling Armadillo. (Another story for another day). The three newbies were seated side by side. Chrissy (my stepmom) handed us each a compact mirror and a lipstick. "First, the initiates need to freshen up a bit. Think creatively. This is not a time where you need to stay within the lines." We made ourselves up with festive, enormous red lips. Upon finishing, we were each handed a flowered scepter to represent our newly regal membership. We were also covered in jewelry. One new initiate was given rubber chicken earrings, which should indicate the type of jewelry we were covered in. "Now," said Chrissy, "since you are all regal goddesses, I am giving you a fertility goddes."

"Oh, please no!" I exclaimed, "That is exactly what I don't need!"

She handed out a stone fertility goddess to the other two. When she got to me, she reached into her bag and pulled out a cupie doll. "Phew!" I said.

"Now you other two. You be careful. Those goddesses really work."

"How do we make them work?"

"You just rub them all around your little boobies. Trust me. It'll work."

"What do I do with mine?" I asked, waving the cupie doll.

"You just put that in your car and sing primary (religious children) songs. It will keep you safe. It's your anti-fertility goddess."

I guess it works by scaring all the boys away.

"Last, but not least, all of us have had our ups and downs in love. For some of us, we've had ups and downs and then more ups and downs again," she said, winking at her twice divorced sister. "Some of us are just fine staying down!" her sister called back. "This next token is to help you remember that sometimes a heart that is broken, or one with holes in it, can take in more love, and can let the light shine through." She handed us each a heart carved from bamboo corral, which naturally has holes running through it. "And this time, really last of all now, here is a bag to keep all your treats in. Welcome to the Sisterhood of the Traveling Armadillo!"

The room errupted into applause. Now it was time for the annual reading of silly exerpts such as "20 Creative Uses for a Bra" while we nibbled on lemon cakes topped with boysenberries, almond scones, brownies, and sipped our herbal tea. The evening waned away and we kept talking. I eventually went off to find my sleeping bag; I wanted to make sure I had enough energy for the coming yoga class, hike, and additional silliness. I drifted off to sleep to the sounds of occasional bursts of laughter and the ongoing rumble of chatter.