Elul

I have spent a lot of time reflecting over the last few weeks. It is after all, the month of Elul in the Jewish calendar. Elul is a traditional time of contemplation and I have certainly been doing my fair share. In fact, so much of my fair share that the last few days I decided I simply cannot think any more. I have done enough spiritual growth and contemplation to last me for a little while and I am worn out and sick of the sound of my own thoughts. Accordingly, I have been doing more pilates, taking longer walks, reading and talking with friends.

My biggest challenge of the moment, and one that I cannot seem to overcome, no matter how many walks I take, is being comfortable with where I am right now. I had a blissful moment a few weeks ago where I finally stopped wishing that my life had a fast forward button. I felt for the first time in months, maybe even years, a great calm and a lovely acceptance of where I was.

Then, in a matter of a day, that sense was shattered and ever since I have been trying to outrun myself. The truth is, where I am right now is messy. I am messy. I don't feel like a competent, intelligent woman. I feel like I nervous young woman who missed the dating phase in her life and now has to learn the same things everyone already learned when they were in their late teens and early twenties. It's rather unnerving to try and pass myself off as a healthy adult when what I am is an anxious, naive teenager, and a limping ex-wife. In fact, I cannot do it. My neuroses are simply hanging out all over the place like so many unpacked clothes in a heap next to my emotional baggage. "Good lord, look at that mess!" I keep thinking. And so, I have taken the last few weeks to pull out and examine some of these clothes and see what it is I am lugging around with me. But now what, after I have done all the thinking I can do?

I think the answer to my 'now what?' resides in the question: 'Now'. I need to accept that I am actually here, living my life, right now. I can't outrun myself. I am here with all of my messiness, confusion, and uncertainty. All things that will hopefully resolve themselves eventually. But right now I am here, enjoying the rain storms of the end of summer, the first hikes of the early fall, the incredible sunrises that start later and later each day, the cup of morning coffee with an autumnal dash of cinnamon, the fresh peaches from Abbie's tree, the friends around the world who are patient with me as I continue to take myself too seriously and do too much thinking, and trying to learn to embrace life in all its messy glory.