Fear of Fire

Today started out as an ordinary work day. I got to the office at 7:30 am and started in on the conference calls and the paperwork that I put on hold during my insanely busy week last week.

My work building sits on one corner of an ENORMOUS intersection. Salt Lake's downtown streets were laid out to be wide enough for ox carts to make U-turns, which must have made sense in 1850, but since the invention of the automobile, this design has put pedestrians at constant risk. So much so that there are orange crossing guard flags strapped to signs near crosswalks so you can be your own crossing guard and then deposit the flag on the other side of the street. It's an exceptionally silly method, but I have been frightened enough for my wellbeing to use these flags more than once.

Since my work is stationed on the corner of a particularly enormous intersection, car accidents and the ensuing police and ambulance vehicles with accompanying sirens are not uncommon. We tend to peak out the window and then head back to work. Which was why it took us all a little while today to look out the window when the fire trucks stopped in front of our building and the police cars closed off our street. But eventually I did peak out, and saw that unlike usual, the firemen had unrolled their hoses in front of my window and seemed to be waiting for something to happen. We looked on for a while and then a coworker walked outside to investigate.

He came back in with a troubled look on his face. "There is a gas leak in the neighborhood. I couldn't even breathe outside." It was about then that I started to notice the scent of natural gas throughout my office. It was coming in through the vents and leaking through the windows (which should also indicate that my cubicle is freezing). Since it is freezing, we all had space heaters going. We turned off the heaters and stood around chatting, wondering what to do with ourselves. My boss kept working away merrily at her computer.

The smell of gas reminded me of two childhood fears that haunted my dreams. The first was a dream of being left in a car with my sister and the car started to roll down hill. I would climb into the driver's seat, but didn't know how to work the steering wheel or the breaks and so I could only grab at things in terror as the car picked up speed. I'd always wake up before the crash. I don't think I overcame this fear entirely until I learned how to drive. This dream is incredibly easy to interpret for those who know me well.

The other fear/nightmare was more obscure and generic. I was scared to death of a house fire. I would pray desperately every night to be spared from waking up to a house full of smoke. Every evening I was sure that the house would burn down, and even more sure on nights when I was sleeping over at a friend's house. Perhaps it came from too many fire drills at school.

When I was about 12, I nannied for a family that had been in a fire. One of their four children had died in the fire along with a cousin who was babysitting at the time. One of the children was visibly scarred, and the other two were clearly internally scarred, as their behavior and artwork showed. I loved these kids, even when one prank called 911 and then hid. Even when one ground on the foot of a famous children's poet mid performance of the guitar playing poet. I think my fear of fire, interestingly, faded at about this time.

Today, during the gas leak, my old fear of fire came flooding back. When my boss realized that we should clear out, I had my bag packed and was out the door in two minutes. The firemen wouldn't allow us to drive (a spark starts the ignition) so my boss's husband was coming to pick people up a few blocks away. I didn't want to wait for the ride, I just got out and started walking. I realized I was sick to my stomach and my hands were shaking. I walked for about 10 minutes and then felt like a jerk. I hadn't stayed to make sure the building didn't blow up on my coworkers. I am normally calm in a crisis. I tend to do best when things are chaotic and challenging. I hoped to be someone who could remain calm and help others during a disaster. Thus, I find it interesting that I bolted.

I also find it interesting that I didn't leave the building until given permission. And I didn't suggest that leaving might be in order, given there were 5 fire trucks and 2 police cars and the whole block was affected. This was no minor leak; a neighbor didn't forget to turn off the stove. A construction team across the street apparently hit a gas pipe while digging. Our office building was declared unsafe for re-entry for over 5 hours. I think I need to keep working on those assertiveness skills.