I feel lucky

The inspection of our new condo went fantastically. I am thrilled. I have never been so excited to move, ever. And I have moved. And moved. I don't even want to wait until I move in to start shopping, so one month to go and I have already begun.

I went to Target today. I already have a vision of how I want my bedroom. It will be serene and lovely and soothing; the sort of place I can finally rest for a little while as I rebuild my life. I admit it will be a little dorm-chic out of necessity in the beginning, but I'll trade up as I stay longer. I went with a list of big things that I don't have- an entertainment center, a dining room table, a dresser, a bookshelf. I also had another list of the small things I don't have- sheets, bath towels, a nice candle, a mirror.

I started in the dishes section. I love dishes. I can spend hours strolling around touching glasses, imagining meals that I'll cook and the friends I'll serve, how the wine will coordinate with the meal and the glasses will coordinate with the wine, and the serving dishes that would be ideal for the sit down dinner, or the margarita cocktail hour. You get the idea.

I strolled dreamily over to the kitchen appliances. I need a hand blender. We used one today in the cooking class I attended, and due to the differences in the power supply it was one of the things that I left behind in Israel. It was around the time that I hit the coffee makers I started to worry. I want to buy a coffee maker, but I also want a hand blender, and I don't own a mixer. I looked at a couple considering a waffle iron. A waffle iron! I don't even own a sauce pan.

And then it hit me. I don't own a sauce pan. I wandered over to the next aisle. I don't own an ironing board. I don't own an iron. I don't own a trashcan. Or a laundry hamper. Or a hammer. Or hangers. It was when I hit the washcloths and the kitchen towels that I started fighting back the tears. I debated whether I should just give up and try again another day.

I have been explaining to people that I don't own anything. I shipped two boxes of books (I couldn't leave my friends behind) and I brought my suitcases and shipped one more box of things. Nothing I owned seemed really worth the cost of shipping. While I have been explaining this, I didn't think about all the tiny things I don't own until my friend's mom gave me a powerstrip today. The cost of all those little things didn't hit me until the Target aisle, when I realized that I can't afford to create my dream bedroom when I don't have dish towels or a drying rack for dishes.

It was about the time I hit the vacuums that I was furious. I didn't feel comfortable asking for money for things that had so little monetary value, and yet, here are all those little items with their price tags staring me in the face and I am in the same place I was at 18 when I started shopping for moving to Sweden, my first time moving out of the house.

In the end I stayed. I spent almost $70 on a laundry hamper, a waste basket, a set of sheets, a $4.00 bowl to make me feel a little spoiled, and $1.50 of sparkling water to help me fight the familiar naseau that kept me company the last six months I was in Israel.

When I climbed in the car, Hebrew music was playing. "Screw that," I said angrily "And screw everything that brought me to the point of tears in a Target parking lot." (Yes. I really do speak to myself in the car.) I switched the disc for Mary Chapin Carpenter's "I Feel Lucky." It's impossible for me to listen to this song and not feel lucky and happy for my life. I drove back to Salt Lake, sipping my bottled water while anger, gratitude for my new life, and sorrow for my old one, fought it out while I sang along.


"Well I woke up this morning stumbled out of my rack
I opened up the paper to the page in the back
It only took a minute for my finger to find
My daily dose of destiny, under my sign
My eyes just about popped out of my head
It said "the stars are stacked against you girl, get back in bed"

I feel lucky, I feel lucky, yeah
No Professor Doom gonna stand in my way
Mmmmm, I feel lucky today

Well I strolled down to the corner, gave my numbers to the clerk
The pot's eleven million so I called in sick to work
I bought a pack of Camels, a burrito and a Barq's
Crossed against the light, made a beeline for the park
The sky began to thunder, wind began to moan
I heard a voice above me saying, "girl, you better get back home"

But I feel lucky, oh oh oh, I feel lucky, yeah
No tropical depression gonna steal my sun away
Mmmmm, I feel lucky today

Now eleven million later, I was sitting at the bar
I'd bought the house a double, and the waitress a new car
Dwight Yoakam's in the corner, trying to catch my eye
Lyle Lovett's right beside me with his hand upon my thigh
The moral of this story, it's simple but it's true
Hey the stars might lie, but the numbers never do

I feel lucky, oh oh oh, I feel lucky, yeah
Hey Dwight, hey Lyle, boys, you don't have to fight
Hot dog, I'm feeling lucky tonight

I feel lucky, brrrrr, I feel lucky, yeah
Think I'll flip a coin, I'm a winner either way
Mmmmmm, I feel lucky today."